Last night my bestie sent me a text saying how she was going to write a book for tourists who venture over to our little sandbar in the summer. If you’ve been reading for awhile, you already know that I live on Cape Cod-which is kind of like the Hawaii of tourism, but 5,000 times smaller and without the Lei’s and the friendliness.
To say our little sandbar is overpopulated in the summer, is an understatement. Just like bars and restaurants-there should be a max limit on the amount of tourists allowed on Cape Cod at one time. But there’s not, and we suffer-and the state of Massachusetts continuously wonders why all the young families are fleeing Cape Cod.
Though we have yet to come up with an actual main title for the book, we did brainstorm some chapter titles together. I thought I’d share. If your local, you’ll appreciate and totally understand the below. If your not local, consider yourself blessed- you are witnessing the very rough draft of what will become the most epic tourism book in history.
Unnamed Book- Title Chapter Ideas
“Rotaries aren’t for Idiots”- A tourists guide for: what a rotary really is, and how to navigate around one without killing anyone or yourself.
“Rotaries aren’t for Idiots: New Jersey Edition”- A tourists guide for people who live in New Jersey, and assume their rotary laws apply to the rotaries in Massachusetts. PS: THEY DON’T!
“Rotary, Highway, Yield, Banana Hammock: Which Word doesn’t Belong?”- A chapter that focuses on brain functions, and includes pre-testing to weed out people who really have no business visiting Cape Cod if they fail said basic pre-testing.
A Stop Sign Indicates for you to:
(B) Accelerate to 50 MPH
(C) Stop, Completely.
(D) Pull out 5 feet beyond the stop sign and block traffic both ways while you figure out if you need to turn left or right because your GPS is re-routing.
“Don’t Make me Bitch Slap you in the Grocery Store” A chapter that focuses on supermarket etiquette. Like: How not to take up the entire isle with your grocery cart, how not to hold up the entire deli service with your order of a bazillion pounds of meats and cheeses,or how to pick out a flavor of ice cream in under 15 seconds so other people can pick out some ice cream without brushing against your nipples, which have frozen, from you standing with the freezer door open-forever!
“Bitches be Trippin” Cape Cod slang words: how locals use them and when you need to be worried.
“A Beginners Guide to Suicide Alley-I Kill You!” A chapter explaining why they don’t call it “Suicide Alley” for nothing, and why you should not drive under the speed limit, or excessively over the speed limit, or drive behind another vehicle too closely, and why you really need to pull over for emergency vehicles trying to pass you.
“The Cape Cod Canal Tunnel” An intro to the elusive Cape Cod Canal Tunnel, which can only be accessed by driving up and over the Sagamore Bridge 10 times, at which point a gate on the side of the bridge opens, leading to open water…… I can’t really give away the location, sorry.
“Welcome to Cape Cod! When are you Leaving?” Proposed vacation limits for tourists based on their home state.
So there you have it, the very rough draft. PS: Is it Labor Day Yet?