Relationships and Sexpectations.

Ah, good ole sex- or as some people call it: nooky, the horizontal mambo, boinking, bumping uglies, hiding the pickle, shagging, or even- riding the cowboy. I could go on, but no matter how you say it: sex is sex. Which brings me to the actual nature of this post- relationships and sexpectations.

A few weeks ago I was on Facebook reading a thread where people were answering this question:  How many times a week do you have sex?

People were enthusiastically throwing out their answers left and right:

“Three times a week”

“Once a Day” (!)

“Two times a week”

“Twice a Day” (!!!!!!!) (ouch!) (it’s burning!)

“About seven times every two weeks” (huh?)

Honestly,  I could hear my vagina crying.  Where do these people find the time? Do they spend their days unemployed or naked, or both? And where were the people like me who don’t get to hide the salami or play pickle poke as often? Did they just not answer because, they too, were distracted by their sad vaginas?

I was baffled, but then the sex fog broke and here’s the thing I remembered after my vagina’s brief moment of grief- Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. Which left me wondering: Do other people feel that sex is the most important part of a relationship? Am I truly alone in feeling the way I do about sex and relationships?

Is sex important? Yes. Is it the most important aspect of a relationship? No, I don’t think so. Some people may beg to differ though. What I’m trying to say is:  we shouldn’t feel compelled to compare our sex lives to other peoples sex lives. Every couple is different, and every relationship unique.

Which brings me to my next question: is there such a thing as having too much sex? I personally can’t imagine having sex every day of the week-wouldn’t it get boring? Isn’t there only so much “spicing up” a couple can do before things start getting a little stale?  I asked my husband to weigh in on the matter, because he’s a dude and dudes are apparently notorious for having “sex on the brain” 24/7, and this is what he said to me:

“Imagine you have a brand new backyard, a big one, it’s fenced in- and you spend all your days and nights running around that yard because you are so excited about it!  At first, it’s great-but then after awhile it gets a little old. You get tired. The scenery gets boring because you’ve spent all your time constantly running around looking at everything. The excitement is gone. The same could be said for having too much sex.”

{{{Crickets chirping}}}

Though I’ve never heard sex compared to running around a backyard for days on end, my husbands input is simply evidence that men believe there is such a thing as “too much sex”. In my husbands eyes it’s the quality that counts, not the quantity.

I am not judging couples who enjoy sex several times a week. What could be “enough sex” to one couple could be “not enough sex” to the next couple. Ideally, couples know what they need from their relationship to have that relationship thrive-be it tons of sex or not. I am always left wondering though, am I the only female on this Earth who couldn’t give a crap about the amount of times she has sex in a week?

What are your thoughts and opinions on sex in a relationship? Do you feel there is such a thing as “too much” or “not enough” sex? Do you and your significant other see eye to eye on your sexual relations?

 © Ashley Bunker, Memoirs of a Modern Day Wife 2013-2014








  1. says

    I think it mostly depends on the couple. Everyone has different sex drives. Sometimes my husband and I have it nightly, sometimes we go a month without. Been that way our whole time together. It hasn’t got boring the past 13 years *shrugs*. I think not having sex at all is a problem, but other than that, it depends on the couple. I think people should stop being so obsessed about it and do what’s best for them. For a society that is so scared to talk about sex we are very obsessed with it.
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    • Ashlove17 says

      True, I do think not having sex at all, like ever-would indicate something is amiss. Though I often wonder if there are just couples who don’t need it……..

  2. says

    We are the ones that would make you gasp and wonder how or why. We both have high sex drives and we easily have sex 5-10 times a week. Yes, depending on the week and our schedules good morning sex and bedtime sex. On the weekends, afternoon sex.

    For us – it’s not just a way to connect or a way to feel good physically but a great boost emotionally. The endorphins really do make a big difference for us. Seriously – if we go 2 or 3 days without we both start feeling more stressed and anxious. It helps us to feel better in general but also with each other.

    It is NOT the most important thing in our relationship at all. We have great communication and that is by far the most important thing to us. But it is pretty important. That said, there are weeks when we are burning the candle at both ends and it just doesn’t happen like it normally would. But we spoon, we cuddle, we fall asleep entwined. Sometimes it’s a simple as getting up early with him before he goes to work and hopping in the shower for a “quickie” or just some help soaping up his back. We are very physical people.

    Would there be a problem if suddenly it stopped? I think we’d need to figure out they why. If we both were okay with the reason why it stopped and understood and had good communication – then no – it would not be a problem. We adapt – we deal – we work around it. But if one or the other stopped communicating about it – then there would definitely be a problem to address.
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  3. says

    I had this discussion with a group of ladies recently. I did notice those who had it more often had 1-2-3 sex. While those who went longer didn’t have marathons but it was more than 20 minutes of activities.

    I think sometimes people discuss how often to validate they are normal in how often they do or don’t do it in their relationship.

    • Ashlove17 says

      You make a good point when you say that sometimes people are willing to share how often they have sex just to validate that they are “normal”. Though I am not by any means uncomfortable when it comes to talking about sex- the amount of times I have sex per week is not something I prefer to share freely with the world.

  4. says

    I agree with Susan, it all depends on the couple. My husband and I have an active sex life, but our marriage isn’t based on sex.. it is just a part of out marriage, we can have it every night sometimes 2xs a day but then we have times when it’s once every 2 weeks. It just all depends on what is going on in our life at that time. It doesn’t mean we are bored with each other, or anything like that, because we are differently not bored, it just means we have other things more important going on at that time.. It is a shame, that some couples base their relationship solely on sex!
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    • Ashlove17 says

      It is a shame that some couples base the nature of their relationship on how many times they have sex. I’m happy when it happens in my life, but its not like I am on a schedule. For me, it happens when it happens and I am totally good with that.

  5. says

    No, I don’t think there is a thing as too much or not enough sex – it all depends on the relationship. I will say this, though: I start to get grouchy/tense if my hubby and I go too long between times we have sex. We just always seem to get off sync when we don’t have time to squeeze it in.

    • Ashlove17 says

      I get that way too sometimes, which is often an indicator that it has been awhile. I think physical touch between couples is very important. For some, physical touch could mean sex, or it could mean cuddling, or maybe just a hug and kiss.

  6. Bonnie says

    This would depend on the couple and their own individual preferences. What works for one couple may not hold true for someone else.

  7. says

    I believe it depends on the couple and what works best for them. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship by any means, and I also believe that people should not compare their sex lives with others.

    • Ashlove17 says

      I just feel like sometimes people set themselves up to feel bad when they compare themselves to others, whether it be about sex or not.

  8. says

    Absolutely loved this post. Me and my husband have been together since 7th grade and sex has never been boring nor a chore with us. We seem to make time for it anytime the mood hits. We truly believe that our marriage is better because the sex is spontaneous and always fun. It has been a journey and even after over 20 years, we are still finding out new things to try and new places to try them ;)
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    • Ashlove17 says

      “When the mood hits”- you know, I think you put it perfectly. Maybe the mood hits some couples everyday, and some maybe not. I wonder sometimes though if couples feel like they have to keep up with some sort of a schedule, like there is a competition for sex against the next person.

    • Ashlove17 says

      I love that you came to visit and am so happy that this was a post many of us gals could relate to and express our opinions freely :D

  9. Francesca says

    You’re not the only female on the earth that couldn’t care less about the number of times she has sex in a week. I’m the same way. And honestly, reading the posts of people who say they are so stressed if they don’t do it every few days makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me! My husband is the only person I’ve ever slept with (we waited till marriage), and I wonder if that has something to do with it. But I have never had a high sex drive, and sometimes it seems depressing to read about the people that are doing it all the time, because I feel like I’m depriving my husband. So I feel better when I hear about other people who don’t care about it either. I just wish my husband was one of those people. ;)

    • Ashlove17 says

      Yeah, it does get a little depressing sometimes-I try not to feed into it and I never let myself forget how happy my husband and I are. I just have those moments of brief vaginal sadness sometimes ;) Thanks for dropping in and reading :D

  10. says

    WOW! I don’t even know where to start on this one so I’m just gonna go and put myself out there….. Before child I used to have lots of intimacy in my life. I am of the belief that it actually is pretty important in a relationship…maybe not sex all the time but the intimacy is certainly important to have on a daily basis. After child and since child there has been absolutely no sex or intimacy in my life at all and my little one is a toddler now plus I’m no longer with his father and haven’t had anyone decent in my life since. At this point I don’t really need sex per se but I really do miss the intimacy or those little moments… you know where you just know you are whole with the other person, that feeling that only being intimate with another can bring… sigh I miss that…. so I guess I do think it’s pretty important, but def not twice a day important ;)
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